30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 30!

What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.

This past month nothing has really changed, it all started to look up but that only lasted a week. Now it's all back to normal.

• I started to lose weight, then I started binge eating...again.
• I started exercising every day, then I gave up...again.
• I reconnected with an old friend, we haven't spoken for over a week.
• I had a glimmer of hope for a few days, now it's gone.
• I started a course at TAFE that I thought would be really cool, it's not.
• I finished my old journal, I've got a new one now.
• I have a new computer.
• My itunes is OCD compliant now.

For the next month I hope that I can get back on track with losing weight, I hope I can do it by eating right and exercising, I hope I do get obsessed, at least then I'll be able to stick to it again. I hope that when I get back from Newcastle it will be with a new camera and to a pile of penpal letters. I hope I can sell my bass guitar. I hope I get a job and I hope that now that I've stuck with doing this blog challenge thing for 30 days I'll be able to stick with more things in life without giving up when it gets hard or I get bored.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 29

A picture of yourself.

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This is me...well me trying to make me not look as ugly as I really am. This photo is my most recent 'selfie' and is currently my display pic or profile pic or whatever on Facebook, Tagged, Instagram and the tumblr account I've recently created for my photography. It will remain so until the next time I take a photo I almost like.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

The month you were happiest this year why.

Umm...This one I guess, August, The 8th month. Because it's only 3 days old and there's been almost no negativity... yet. This year, last year and the year before have been exceptionally crappy. Some good things have happened, but as a whole, they've been crap. Lol, I'm such a pessimist.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 27

Talk about your siblings.

I have one little sister, her name is Ashleigh and she's 15, but I call her 12 to annoy her. I do lots of things just to annoy her because I think she's really funny, especially when shes annoyed. She loves music, taught herself to play guitar and keyboard and tries to sing (she's not very good at that) She's totally crazy and cares WAY too much about people. She and I have a lot of fun together being crazy and silly and laughing our heads off, usually at nothing much. She also paints a lot but her art really doesn't have any meaning or anything, she mostly just blots bits of paint in different colours here and there. Occasionally she will put words on her paint splotches. She tries to dance too, but she's about as good at that as singing. Also she's a kind of bookworm, not as much as me and mum because she is way too addicted to the internet, but a little bit of reading is better than none. She was a late blooming kind of bookworm. Another funny thing about her is she thinks she's all smart and a spelling champ and grammar nazi but not too long ago she put up a facebook status about her 'swallon toe' not swollen, swallon. She also says she's a potterhead but told me Harry Potter was dumb and she hated it until she was a tween and she still hasn't read the last 10 chapters of the Deathly Hallows. That's about all I can think of to write about her for now, so there you have it, a brief history of Ashleigh.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 26

Your religious beliefs.

To each their own, but honestly I'm not big on religion. Personally, I think it's all made up and only really stupid people actually believe in 'God' or 'Jesus' or whatever. I really could go on and on and on about how dumb I think religion and church and most of the people who are into that stuff are but I'm not going to.
My beliefs are: I believe in things that I can see, or see hard proof of and as far as a 'Higher Power' goes, the only one I believe in is nature.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 25

10 ways to win your heart.

1. Be cute. (that doesn't mean you have to be conventionally attractive)
2. Use proper spelling when typing or writing to me and proper pronunciation when talking to me.
3. Make me smile and laugh.
4. Don't give up on me.
5. Like reading books.
6. Be obsessed with at least one thing I'm equally obsessed with.
7. Be open minded.
8. Share things with me, be they emotional loads, secrets, or your dinner.
9. Be honest, no matter what.
10. Be there for me, especially when I'm at rock bottom.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 24

Things you want to say to 5 different people.

Mum: It's not your fault that I am the way I am, you haven't failed as a parent. You're amazing and wonderful and beautiful and I appreciate everything you do for me. I love you so much.

Ashleigh: You are my best friend, you are the reason I can manage hold myself together, you are the reason I've not given up on life completely. I couldn't imagine life without you. The only reason I put you down is because I'm jealous, you're the best little sister ever.

Andrew: I love you and I'm sorry, apart from my family you've been the only other constant in my life and I hope you never go away no matter how much my crush freaks you out. I don't understand how you could possibly still be single but I do hope you find the right one for you, even if that's not me. You are awesome and you're an amazing person.

Katelyn: I am so glad I have your friendship, I honestly don't know what I'd do without it. I used to be so vain before I met you, I was reluctant to befriend you because I used to care too much what others thought, but that was so insanely stupid because you are one of the best people I've ever met. You bring out the best in me and you accept the worst in me as well. I trust you wholly, which is something I don't do lightly. Not to mention of all the people in the highlands you are the only one who made an effort and kept in touch with me. Also, your birthday and Christmas cards are the best. Jerk <3 Bitch Supernatural Quoters Association for life.

And now that I'm up to the fifth one I cannot decide on one, I struggled to think of the first four and now my mind is swirling with possibilities for the fifth, I seriously can't decide so I'm going to leave it at the four, while making this note so you don't think I can't count.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 23

Something you always think “what if…” about

Aside from what if Peter Pettigrew hadn't escaped in The Prisoner of Azkaban?

There was this girl I fell in love with when I was 15, and the week before she found out I was in love with her she'd gotten a boyfriend. I still to this day think "what if I'd told her I wanted to be more than friends earlier?".

I also think "what if I had never gotten so fat?" and "what if I'd gotten my L's when I was 16?" I can't help thinking my life would be a thousand times better if I were thin and had my drivers P's when I was 17 instead of still being on my L's at 19.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 22

10 things about you people don’t really expect.

1- I have no friends.

2- I'm horribly depressed and somewhat suicidal.

3- I'm a virgin.

4- I still have a "secret diary"

5- I like girls more than I like boys.

6- I actually am quite girly.

7- I read vogue.

8- I really don't mind being approached.

9- I hate having big boobs.

10- I care.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 21

Something you can't seem to get over.

Everything haha.

Seriously though, everything that was wrong when I was 15 is still the same now, if not worse. I thought everything would magically go away when I turned 18 and became an adult, but here I am at 19 no more emotionally mature than I was back then. I thought that the depression and self harm and wanting to do anything to become thin was all a normal teenage thing that everyone went through, like a phase. That's what everybody says "It'll all get better" but it's not getting better, it's getting so much worse.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 20

The last argument you had.

Well I don't really argue with people on the internet, and that's where I get 99% of my conversation, so no doubt it was something trivial. I think it was with that friend I mentioned a few posts ago, I call him cute, because he is and also because he doesn't like it and I'm immature as all hell so I also do it to annoy him. He always protests and refuses to admit his cuteness. So that was most likely my last argument. Not that it really qualifies as an argument haha

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 19

Something that never fails to make you feel better.

There's really no fail safe thing, not one thing makes me feel better 100% of the time. Music makes me feel better a lot of the time, particularly Metallica and Bullet For My Valentine, but the success rate is probably somewhere around 60%. Shopping usually makes me feel better. They don't call it retail therapy for nothing, but often when I'm out I feel extremely self conscious after I've seen myself reflected in a shop window, and then there's the buyers remorse that can manifest afterwards. I'd say shoppings success rate is roughly 70%. The thing that makes me feel the best is to stay precisely in my comfort zone (my room, my bed) curled up with a good book, watching a movie or something else distracting, even better if my candles are lit or my fairy lights are on. Then just going to sleep, 9 times out of 10 I'll feel much better when I've woken up, that's a 90% success rate. Of course there's always those times I have an amazing and realistic dream and wake up feeling extremely disappointed and just as depressed as before I went to sleep. That sucks hard.

But really, the best thing for it is just to put on your mask, hope there's no cracks in it and just keep on pretending everything is A-Okay.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 18

Disrespecting parents.

Kids and teenagers that disrespect their parents deserve to have all their technology taken away and a smack with the wooden spoon for good measure. But then if the parents had raised their kids right the kids wouldn't disrespect them. It's a double edged sword really.

Good Parents=Good Kids

Bad Parents/Pushover/Doormat Parents=Disrespectful Kids

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 17

Things that make you scared.

Spiders

Nauseous people

Vomit 

Horror Movies (if they're done right) 

The future

My personal insignificance

That my loved ones will die one day

Having to go out in public '

Being late

Having to make phonecalls 

and above all, Falling in Love.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 16

3 things you are proud of about your personality

Well, I don't like myself very much at all...so this is going to be really hard...

I guess
1- I'm very honest, but other people tend not to like that.
2- I'm crazy loyal, but other people don't notice or give a shit about that.
3- I learn things pretty quickly, and I can spell :)

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 15

The best things to happen to you this week

A few good things happened this week. 

• I started to talk to a person who's been my friend since the bebo days for the first time in months, that was good for a couple of days.
• It was raining a lot so I had a valid excuse for staying in bed most of the day.
• I got to stay in bed most of the day watching skins.
• We had the movie channels on foxtel for free.
• There was one whole day where I didn't feel depressed.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 14

Something disgusting you do

I don't think I do anything disgusting. well, nothing that isn't something every other human does anyway. Farting,  pooping, picking my nose occasionally, sneezing with a mouthful of cereal...That's it really. 

Well of course I also masturbate a lot and fantasize about being bound and gagged and fucked...but that's natural too..

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 13

A date you would love to go on

Something a little unusual but still cute and romantic...Nothing like the trashy back row of the cinema dates I have had.

I'd really like a walk on the beach just after sunset, holding hands and such. Not that that is unusual. 

I really don't know, I like it when the other person takes control and I can just go along for the ride.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 12

Things you want to say to an ex

There's really not much I'd say to him, I'd more likely just shoot him the dirtiest look I could muster or just look straight through him if I ever saw him again that is. If I had to say anything it'd probably be something along the lines of "Have you come out to your family yet, you furfag?" 

I'd also like to ask him 

was it worth it?
did you ever even like me?

did you ever once mean it when you said you love me?

do you miss me at all?

do you even care that you hurt me so bad?

you know, the things that everyone who's been cheated on wants to ask.

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11

Your current relationship, If single discuss how single life is

My current relationship is single for over 2 years. Single life does not sit well with me, I mean it leaves me free to stew in my insecurities without annoying anyone but that's not exactly healthy. I don't like the single life, I'm not one of these girls who can dress all slutty and go out every weekend to find someone to fuck and fill the void until next weekend. I prefer having a connection to one person, I'm a hopeless romantic who likes to make a fuss of birthdays and celebrate anniversaries, but is just as likely to do something sweet just because its Wednesday. 

I can survive on crushes and daydreams, but only for so long, and I think I've reached that point now where I just can't do that anymore. The single life is wearing me down.