Baby steps

Just a silly update....The paperwork for our upgraded Internet package (ie 100GB and a.... router!!! instead of the measly 15GB rubbish where you have to sit in the lounge room plugged into to modem with nosy family members looking over your shoulder making you feel extremely uncomfortable) was officially actually faxed away on Tuesday!!! 

So, hopefully sometime in the next month I'll be able to bore anyone who actually reads my blog (if anyone actually does) regularly instead of sporadically xD

Worlds worst blogger

So I STILL don't have a router!

I haven't made a post since December of last year, and probably won't again for at the least a few weeks. I really think we'll actually have a router in the next...2 months tops...

But with the World Wide Web as my witness I WILL be blogging regularly from the day a router takes up residence in my house!

Coming soon (hopefully)

I know I said I would become an avid blogger post-HSC but see, the thing is because I live in the middle of nowhere the internet we had was absolute bollocks. Mum thought she was remedying this when she signed us up for satellite internet. Admittedly it works a tiny little bit more consistently than the telstra internet we did have...The problem is we don't have a router for it and my dad is almost always plugged into the modem, so my laptop internet time is restricted to when nobody is in the house (I don't like it when people can see what I'm doing on the internet, it's like they're invading my personal space..weird, I know) which very rarely happens.
Mum has said that the first thing she's going to look for in the after Christmas sales is a router so hopefully if I keep my fingers and toes crossed I can finally fulfill my promise of regular blog posts, and maybe one day I'll be a famous blogger....that would be cool :)

I miss you blog, and I miss you readers, even though I have no idea who any of you are or if you still reading me.

Much love xoxo

More Angst, Poetic Angst This Time...With a Twilight Reference LOL

    love? hate?    21/08/09
    
You didn't help me as much as you think you did.
Once you helped me.
Of the many times you tried.

But remember if not for you, I wouldn't be like i am now.
You are the reason i hurt so much.
Anytime I see you,
Hear you,
Or am reminded of you.

I am like Bella Swan, you are my Edward.
Only instead of my Edward leaving me,
I was the one to leave you.

I clutch at my ribcage,
Trying to hold myself together,
So I don't fall apart.

It hurts so much that I sit there,
Alone.
Wailing to myself.
The tears flowing.
My whole self heaving with the sobs.

Still I put on the brave face.
The mask that hides the truth,
The hard shell that protects my soft insides.

I pretend that its easy,
I lie.
To myself, to my friends, to my family.
I lie.
Until I start to believe it.
I lie.

This seems a love hate relationship,
I love you?
I hate you?
You love me?
You hate me?

Wanna See Something I Wrote When I Was An Angst Ridden 15 Year Old?

Probably not right? But I'm going to post it anyway. I found this on my blog on Bebo LOL 'nuff said.
There isn't even any punctuation *facepalm* 



a response. (probably doesnt make sense, written in frustration)    21/08/09
    
a clean break, thats what i was trying for before
you have got to realise this is not about you its for me.
see truth is i have been lying to myself telling myself i hate you
i still love you
its been nagging at the back of my mind i almost had it shut out
for weeks, months of telling myself and my friends im over you
lying.

i needed to get away from you to stop destroying myself thats what my feelings for you do.
its been a year now that i have been like this
in pain, suffering because i know we would never be.
i try to tell myself its no use thinking.... what if? but i cant help but dwell on it

last night i read your last post and that wound that was almost healed burst back open again.
bleeding with posibilities
and aching with realisation that in truth i never healed
and i never will.
last night my memories of you the best yet most painful memories i have.
drowned me in their flood

and now i sit here trying to get the message out that now i dont know whats best.
do i keep along the path i was paving before?
or do i turn back?

im sure the pain will ease again with time.
but what about all those opportunities i could miss out on?
and what am i supposed to tell my family and friends i lied to?
what will they think of me when they find out that small passage was the thing that broke me?

if i turn back how will i be assured things will be different?
how will i know things will go back to how they were before?
could it happen?
would i let it happen?

i have changed so much already its too late for me to revert back to old ways.
and even if i could im not so sure i would.

i can see very few ways to come out of this both as happy as is possible for us to be
and none seem plausible :(

my head and heart are now so confused and i dont know which to listen to.

Long Time No See

I'm sorry I've got to be the worst blogger in history! But I'm making a vow that from This week forth I shall blog as much as I possibly can!
Starting with a whole new 30 day challenge that I WILL complete! Starting next week, because I have 3 more exams to do this week. *shudders* ew exams.
So anyway to sum up... I welcome myself back to the blogging world and vow to be a better blogger from this week forth :D

The Swandive

This is a poem I wrote when I was about 15, I was horribly depressed at the time, which I'm sure will be evident haha.

 
With nothing but a heavy heart to weigh me down
I plummet into the icy water, I drown.
What awaits me in the afterlife?
Will it be pleasurable? or am I in strife?
I was a good person 'til I died,
To my partner I never lied,
To be faithful I did always try,
I never would make her cry,
until now I suppose...
a state of shock I will impose
From her the tears will flow.
But I shall never know,
the hurt I have brought upon the ones I love.
but I will watch them from up above,
Unless I'm thrown out of the gates,
in which case hellfire awaits.
but I will be ready
in satans face I'll keep my voice steady.
I'll let him know what I'm all about,
right in his face I will shout
That I will be the one to contradict him,
and let him rip me limb from limb,
Because not even that could be as painful
as the life I lead, always shameful.
so with this death I will subdue,
the searing pain, death will rip through
and make it all better. That's my wish.
I know when im gone they will talk, call me selfish
But tell me, what would you do in this position?
would you, could you ignore deaths wonderful proposition?
Or would you continue on living?
Just giving and giving.
Waiting for your time to come.
Why? when you can be comfortably numb.