More Angst, Poetic Angst This Time...With a Twilight Reference LOL

    love? hate?    21/08/09
    
You didn't help me as much as you think you did.
Once you helped me.
Of the many times you tried.

But remember if not for you, I wouldn't be like i am now.
You are the reason i hurt so much.
Anytime I see you,
Hear you,
Or am reminded of you.

I am like Bella Swan, you are my Edward.
Only instead of my Edward leaving me,
I was the one to leave you.

I clutch at my ribcage,
Trying to hold myself together,
So I don't fall apart.

It hurts so much that I sit there,
Alone.
Wailing to myself.
The tears flowing.
My whole self heaving with the sobs.

Still I put on the brave face.
The mask that hides the truth,
The hard shell that protects my soft insides.

I pretend that its easy,
I lie.
To myself, to my friends, to my family.
I lie.
Until I start to believe it.
I lie.

This seems a love hate relationship,
I love you?
I hate you?
You love me?
You hate me?

Wanna See Something I Wrote When I Was An Angst Ridden 15 Year Old?

Probably not right? But I'm going to post it anyway. I found this on my blog on Bebo LOL 'nuff said.
There isn't even any punctuation *facepalm* 



a response. (probably doesnt make sense, written in frustration)    21/08/09
    
a clean break, thats what i was trying for before
you have got to realise this is not about you its for me.
see truth is i have been lying to myself telling myself i hate you
i still love you
its been nagging at the back of my mind i almost had it shut out
for weeks, months of telling myself and my friends im over you
lying.

i needed to get away from you to stop destroying myself thats what my feelings for you do.
its been a year now that i have been like this
in pain, suffering because i know we would never be.
i try to tell myself its no use thinking.... what if? but i cant help but dwell on it

last night i read your last post and that wound that was almost healed burst back open again.
bleeding with posibilities
and aching with realisation that in truth i never healed
and i never will.
last night my memories of you the best yet most painful memories i have.
drowned me in their flood

and now i sit here trying to get the message out that now i dont know whats best.
do i keep along the path i was paving before?
or do i turn back?

im sure the pain will ease again with time.
but what about all those opportunities i could miss out on?
and what am i supposed to tell my family and friends i lied to?
what will they think of me when they find out that small passage was the thing that broke me?

if i turn back how will i be assured things will be different?
how will i know things will go back to how they were before?
could it happen?
would i let it happen?

i have changed so much already its too late for me to revert back to old ways.
and even if i could im not so sure i would.

i can see very few ways to come out of this both as happy as is possible for us to be
and none seem plausible :(

my head and heart are now so confused and i dont know which to listen to.