Coming soon (hopefully)

I know I said I would become an avid blogger post-HSC but see, the thing is because I live in the middle of nowhere the internet we had was absolute bollocks. Mum thought she was remedying this when she signed us up for satellite internet. Admittedly it works a tiny little bit more consistently than the telstra internet we did have...The problem is we don't have a router for it and my dad is almost always plugged into the modem, so my laptop internet time is restricted to when nobody is in the house (I don't like it when people can see what I'm doing on the internet, it's like they're invading my personal space..weird, I know) which very rarely happens.
Mum has said that the first thing she's going to look for in the after Christmas sales is a router so hopefully if I keep my fingers and toes crossed I can finally fulfill my promise of regular blog posts, and maybe one day I'll be a famous blogger....that would be cool :)

I miss you blog, and I miss you readers, even though I have no idea who any of you are or if you still reading me.

Much love xoxo

More Angst, Poetic Angst This Time...With a Twilight Reference LOL

    love? hate?    21/08/09
    
You didn't help me as much as you think you did.
Once you helped me.
Of the many times you tried.

But remember if not for you, I wouldn't be like i am now.
You are the reason i hurt so much.
Anytime I see you,
Hear you,
Or am reminded of you.

I am like Bella Swan, you are my Edward.
Only instead of my Edward leaving me,
I was the one to leave you.

I clutch at my ribcage,
Trying to hold myself together,
So I don't fall apart.

It hurts so much that I sit there,
Alone.
Wailing to myself.
The tears flowing.
My whole self heaving with the sobs.

Still I put on the brave face.
The mask that hides the truth,
The hard shell that protects my soft insides.

I pretend that its easy,
I lie.
To myself, to my friends, to my family.
I lie.
Until I start to believe it.
I lie.

This seems a love hate relationship,
I love you?
I hate you?
You love me?
You hate me?

Wanna See Something I Wrote When I Was An Angst Ridden 15 Year Old?

Probably not right? But I'm going to post it anyway. I found this on my blog on Bebo LOL 'nuff said.
There isn't even any punctuation *facepalm* 



a response. (probably doesnt make sense, written in frustration)    21/08/09
    
a clean break, thats what i was trying for before
you have got to realise this is not about you its for me.
see truth is i have been lying to myself telling myself i hate you
i still love you
its been nagging at the back of my mind i almost had it shut out
for weeks, months of telling myself and my friends im over you
lying.

i needed to get away from you to stop destroying myself thats what my feelings for you do.
its been a year now that i have been like this
in pain, suffering because i know we would never be.
i try to tell myself its no use thinking.... what if? but i cant help but dwell on it

last night i read your last post and that wound that was almost healed burst back open again.
bleeding with posibilities
and aching with realisation that in truth i never healed
and i never will.
last night my memories of you the best yet most painful memories i have.
drowned me in their flood

and now i sit here trying to get the message out that now i dont know whats best.
do i keep along the path i was paving before?
or do i turn back?

im sure the pain will ease again with time.
but what about all those opportunities i could miss out on?
and what am i supposed to tell my family and friends i lied to?
what will they think of me when they find out that small passage was the thing that broke me?

if i turn back how will i be assured things will be different?
how will i know things will go back to how they were before?
could it happen?
would i let it happen?

i have changed so much already its too late for me to revert back to old ways.
and even if i could im not so sure i would.

i can see very few ways to come out of this both as happy as is possible for us to be
and none seem plausible :(

my head and heart are now so confused and i dont know which to listen to.

Long Time No See

I'm sorry I've got to be the worst blogger in history! But I'm making a vow that from This week forth I shall blog as much as I possibly can!
Starting with a whole new 30 day challenge that I WILL complete! Starting next week, because I have 3 more exams to do this week. *shudders* ew exams.
So anyway to sum up... I welcome myself back to the blogging world and vow to be a better blogger from this week forth :D

The Swandive

This is a poem I wrote when I was about 15, I was horribly depressed at the time, which I'm sure will be evident haha.

 
With nothing but a heavy heart to weigh me down
I plummet into the icy water, I drown.
What awaits me in the afterlife?
Will it be pleasurable? or am I in strife?
I was a good person 'til I died,
To my partner I never lied,
To be faithful I did always try,
I never would make her cry,
until now I suppose...
a state of shock I will impose
From her the tears will flow.
But I shall never know,
the hurt I have brought upon the ones I love.
but I will watch them from up above,
Unless I'm thrown out of the gates,
in which case hellfire awaits.
but I will be ready
in satans face I'll keep my voice steady.
I'll let him know what I'm all about,
right in his face I will shout
That I will be the one to contradict him,
and let him rip me limb from limb,
Because not even that could be as painful
as the life I lead, always shameful.
so with this death I will subdue,
the searing pain, death will rip through
and make it all better. That's my wish.
I know when im gone they will talk, call me selfish
But tell me, what would you do in this position?
would you, could you ignore deaths wonderful proposition?
Or would you continue on living?
Just giving and giving.
Waiting for your time to come.
Why? when you can be comfortably numb.

Draft #1 for my HSC Drama Monologue

This is, as the title says just my first draft for my monologue. My intention is to leave the audience perhaps feeling empathy for drug addicts or at the very least think twice before criticising and calling them scum. I am adapting it from the Heroin Diaries, by Nikki Sixx and I am actually playing Nikki Sixx, but in a way that the audience is oblivious to whether I am male or female.
Feedback would be much appreciated if anyone actually reads my blog.

Monologue Draft #1

When I was 15 years old I remember the Iggy and the stooges song "search and destroy" reaching out from my speakers to me like my own personal anthem. It was a theme I would carry for decades as my own hell-bent mantra. The song might as well have been tattooed across my knuckles 'cause there could be no truer words for a young, alienated teenager.

Alice Cooper was another musical hero. Like Nostradamus, Alice must have seen the future when he sang "welcome to my nightmare"...or at least my future.

Yet Alice's nightmare was show business, and this, this is something else entirely. This is me welcoming you to a genuine living nightmare that I endured, a nightmare so bad that it ended up killing me, twice.

But now I know it wasn't only the drugs- it was also my past unknowingly haunting me, and even a lethal cocktail of narcotics couldn't seem to kill the pain.

I guess if we could mix these two songs together you'd have the theme song of my adolescence.
On Christmas day 1986 I was a member of one of the biggest rock'n'roll bands in the world. I was also an alcoholic, a coke addict and a heroin addict heading into a pill-popping downward spiral of depression.

Musically I always thought of my band as a nasty combination of punk, rock, glam and pop mixed together with a lot of sarcasm, anger and humor, love and hate, happiness and sadness. Of course, depending on the recipe, there was always larger or smaller amounts of sex in there too. I mean what is rock'n'roll if it's not sexy? Sleazy? Usually, Chauvinist? Always.

So Christmas Day 1986, that day wasn't even that special. I was an addict well before then and stayed one for a while afterwards. Perhaps that day just brought my condition home to me. There is something about spending Christmas alone, naked, sitting by the Christmas tree gripping a shotgun that lets you know your life is spinning wildly out of control.

Over the years people have tried to say that being in my band turned me into an addict...but I don't think it did. That stroke of genius was all my own.

Even as a kid I was never inclined to dodge a bullet. I was always the first one to take it right between the eyes. I was stubborn, strong-willed and always willing to put myself in harms way for the betterment of chaos, confusion and rebellion- all the traits that made me famous and later, infamous.
The ingredients for success and failure all wrapped up in a nice package, with the emotional stability of a molotov cocktail. Then when I moved to LA in the late '70s and discovered cocaine, it only amplified these charming characteristics... But alcohol, acid, cocaine... they were just affairs. When I met heroin, it was true love.

After we made it big my band had given me more money than I knew what to do with, so naturally I spent it on the only thing I wanted to do: drugs.
Before the band, I lived only for music: after it started I lived only for drugs. OK so maybe the band gave me the resources to become an addict, but you know what? If it hadn't, I'd have found some other way to do it.

I guess all of us get to live out our destiny, even those of us who have to choose the worst one imaginable. So why did I take this strange, dark trip? Well, I have a little 1-2-3 theory on this.
1-My childhood was shitty. My Dad left when I was 3 years old and never came back.
2- My mum tried to love me, but everytime a new guy came on the scene I'd be in the way and she'd shuttle me off to live with my grandparents.
3- I was born an addict. It's no surprise I grew up feeling angry, unloved and somehow needing...revenge.
Revenge on who? on the world? on myself?

And How did I become a junkie? Well one year 2 major things happened to me, I had an album go platinum and I crashed my porsche, drunk, dislocated my shoulder and started smoking heroin to numb the pain. The problem was I carried on smoking- and then started injecting- long after the pain was gone.

Fuck, there were clues I was becoming a junkie. You'd need to be pretty self obsessed to miss them, but if I was one thing back then it was self obsessed. When Vince went to jail for 20 days I didn't even visit or phone our singer once, it never even occurred to me. It would have been a waste of valuable drug time.

By the end of our 1986 tour I was on my way to becoming a full blown junkie. I'd OD'd after a show in London and been left for dead in a dumpster. I turned up strung out to be Tommys best man at his wedding with syringes hidden in my cowboy boots. And I'd stayed home freebasing rather than attend my own grandmothers funeral- the woman who had loved and raised me. And things got worse. Much worse.

As I'm reflecting here all sorts of feelings are bubbling to the surface, I realise now that I'd totally lost perspective, Music took a backseat to the voices in my head and demons in my closet.
And a question that often comes up for me, how the fuck am I still alive? Simply put I think I'm still here cause I've still got stuff to do, music to write.

I mean I'll probably meet my maker doing something so uncool like golfing or gardening. I can see it now, sitting up there with Bon Scott, Sid Vicious and Hendrix hearing someone reading my obituary from below "NIKKI SIXX DIED TODAY...FUCKING GOLFING..."

OK, enough humor (you tend to make fun of death a lot once you've died and come back a few times)
You know, they say to keep what you have you have to give it away. I believe that. I also believe you can be cool as fuck, not give a fuck and kick ass in life without being fucked up. I'm still the first person to say "Fuck You", but I'm faster to say "I Love You"

I'm the same person, but I'm also a different one. You see there's Sikki, and then there's Nikki, Many years sober and in control, rather than outta control and crazed. Occasionally it occurs to me that I may be the kind of person that the Sikki of '86 would have hated. That's okay 'cause I don't think I'd like to know Sikki now, so we're even.

Things back then got so convoluted, polluted and distorted that I ran with what I was given, I turned it into my armour, my defense mechanism, my weapon of self destruction.

Part of me (Nikki? or Sikki?) thinks this was all part of a master plan to expose all these raw nerve endings of dysfunction so I could heal. But addicts, we think everything is about us, don't we?

My Speech on 'Into the world'

So last term sometime I had an assessment on the topic we're currently doing in English 'Into The World' our set text was Educating Rita and we had to choose 2 related texts. The assessment was a 5-6 minute speech to target the next generation, mine ran a little long and I completely forgot to add a conclusion... but I got good marks for it regardless :)

Into The World-
An address to the next generation.

Good Morning/Afternoon future year twelve students, I am here today to speak toy you, as a former year twelve myself, about making transitions 'into the world'. A thing you will all have to do yourselves in the very near future.

I'm going to be speaking about moving into the world, some of the obstacles that must be overcome to do so, and some of the varying degrees of success that come from these transitions in relation to three texts; 'Educating Rita' a two hander play by Willy Russell, 'Encino Man' a 1992 comedy directed by Les Mayfield and 'The Body' a novella written by Stephen King.

A number of technical devices are employed by composers to show a characters transition 'into the world' the most common being; the characters relationships and how they change with the transition, the setting, and the characters language, be it narration or dialogue. As well as the characters motives for moving 'into the world', whether their transition is forced or by personal choice and the sacrifices the character has to make in order to transition successfully.

For 'Educating Rita', Willy Russell has, without a doubt make the relationship between the main character, Rita, and her teacher, Frank, a very interesting one. Frank is to Rita a teacher, a mentor, a friend and at times a figure held in awe, at the beginning of the play. Through her transition, however, Rita begins to hold Frank in less and less high regard and by the end they stand as equals. Some may even say that by the end of the play Rita is of higher status than Frank.

'Educating Rita' has a very small setting, Franks study becomes their 'world' with the lawn outside of the window considered the world that Rita so desperately wants to become a part of.

Language is another technique that Willy Russell uses in an interesting way to show Ritas transition into the educated world. In the first act of the play Rita speaks in a way that makes it clear she comes from an un-educated, working class background using phrases such as "dead suprised", "meself" and the like. In the midst of her transition Rita decides to "talk properly" at the suggestion of her housemate, Trish. After Frank asks what's wrong with her voice Rita says "Nothing is wrong with it, Frank. I have merely decided to talk properly. As Trish says there is not a lot of point in discussing beautiful literature with an ugly voice". But by the end of the play, and her transition she has managed to find a happy medium in her vocabulary.

Ritas motivation for moving 'into the world' is to escape her working class background. She wants to be one of the educated people and "know everything". She transitions by choice and sacrifices her relationship with her husband and alienation from her family and class, she doesn't know how to talk to them anymore. She also sacrifices part of her individuality, becoming a 'frankenstein' of other peoples opinions to transition into the world with success...and she does.

The relationship between Dave, Stoney and the aptly named caveman, Link in 'Encino Man' is represented similarly to the relationship of Frank and Rita. Dave and Stoney are Links mentors as he moves into his new world and, like Rita seems to surpass Frank in status, Link surpasses Dave and Soney during his transition.

The setting of 'Encino Man' could also be described as somewhat similar to that of 'Educating Rita'. Both are set at places of education, with someone from another 'world' enrolling and ending up seemint to outshine the mentor(s) who were already established there, The difference being that in this case Link becomes more popular than his mentors.

Both Link and Rita adopt phrasing used by their peers. The boys teach Link to use their language and he picks it up similar to the way Rita uses words out of her fellow students and Trishs' mouths.

Links transition 'into the world' is not by choice, but by force. He has no other option but to assimilate. His transition means he has to forget his ancient culture and learn a whole new language and way of life, but he enjoys it, so is it really a sacrifice? Dave sacrifices his dream of going to prom with Robin Sweeney and becoming prom king, but he is at peace with this sacrifice as it is Link who goes to prom with Robin and is crowned prom king. Links transition is a smooth and successful one. And thanks to him Dave transitions from 'loser' to 'cool'.

In Stephen Kings novella 'The Body' the relationship between the narrating persona, and main character, Gordie Lachance and his friends Chris Chambers, Teddy Duchamp and Vern Tessio is that expected from a group of twelve year old boys, on the surface, but as the older Gordie (narrator) reflects upon it throughout their transition, the reader gets a different perspective. At the beginning and through a majority of their transition they are a group of four friends, but then as they mature they split into two groups, Teddy and Vern and Gordie and Chris, the brainless and the intelligent. They remain as two through junior high, and the rest of their lives, as the older gordie puts it "Teddy and Vern slowly became just two more faces in the halls, or 3:30 detention".

The setting for 'The Body' is small, the small town of Castle Rock is the whole world to the four boys, but as they transition the world becomes bigger. Chris wants to get out of Castle Rock like Rita wants to get out on that lawn.

The language and vocabulary in 'The Body' is used in a way that shows the contrast between the Gordie who is narrating and the Gordie who is undergoing his transition. The narration is more formal, reflective and deep. Clearly showing that the narrating persona is an adult, in stark contrast to the dialogue snippets of foul mouthed banter and fears of the twelve year old boys.

The boys transition into the world is, unknowingly, a choice. They conciously decided to go find the dead body of Ray Brower, but they didn't know that their journey to find the body would become a journey out of innocence. The boys all sacrificed their innocence the day they saw Ray Browers body, which made the fact that they also sacrificed their fifteen minutes of fame by not reporting the bodys' whereabouts seem irrelevant.

The outcomes of the boys transitions vary, Neither Teddy nor Vern transition into manhood successfully, they take the shop courses in junior high, Teddy never gets to join the army and both of their lives are menial and cut short. Chris, like Rita transitions successfully against all odds, he does the college courses, does fairly well and goes into college as a pre-law student before his life is also tragically cut short. Gordie also transitions successfully. He outlives his friends and lives out his dream of becoming a writer, he describes his life as "so much like a fairytale it's fucking absurd".

My Apologies

Well, that didn't get off to a very good start did it?
Between my internet running painfully slow, unbearably slow in fact and the hectic cramming to get ready to sit my HSC trials there has not been much time at all for sitting down and writing about stuff.
Now that I'm almost finished with my trials and my internet is working at a bearable speed it is time for me to continue the 30 Day Blog Challenge like none of this interruption even occurred xD

Hello :)

Well hello there,
I am a brand new blogger, I mean I have tumblr. But that's got nothing to do with writing, it's all pretty pictures and popularity. I'm new to the business of online publishing of my writing. I've been an amateur writer since I was 7, I'm 18 now and have only just recently remembered how much I like to write. One day I hope I'll have at least one publication to my name, but in the meantime I'll be posting bit's and pieces and hopefully soon I'll have a pretty good blog.

On this blog you can expect to see;

• Bits and pieces of writing, mostly unfinished.
• Things I find in the archives from when I was younger.
• Recounts of particularly awesome or horrible days.
• A whole lot of randomness and reflection.
• Undoubtedly a whole lot of emotion and angst that flows from my brain, through my fingertips to the screen.
• Maybe even stuff I do for school if it's not awful.

In short, it's my blog I'll post whatever the hell I want haha :D